So reading over my dairy i realized i sound like a hopeless romantic, and i had a lot of trust in people that i shouldn't of. I guess its made me a the person that I am today and maybe that is good. Though I am happy about where I am now I am sort of afraid to let down all of my barriers because every other time I have it has only hurt me. I am easily hurt and I try to protect myself (though I must admit I am horrible at that). I just want to give people benefit of the doubt and it always bites me in the ass.

And talking about being bit in the ass. So the new guy I am talking to (which I am thrilled to be talkin to him) is really good friends with a guy i (kinda) dated back in like high school and he started telling him what we did. I was like omg, so that was a fun night talking to him about that. He finally decided that it didn't matter it was just kinda weird. But i was like damn talk about your past biting you in the ass, or more like ripping a chunk off haha. oh wellz got it all figured out. Now its just to make us official, i mean i love the idea of us getting to know each other and I understand the reasons for it. I just am not used to not getting some one right away, that sounds bad huh? Its not like hes playing hard to get he is just trying to protect himself and I completely and totally understand that. And maybe we should just get to know each other and become close before we actually start dating I guess.

Well anyways thats enough for one night. OH and btw the lawyer is under way I am not excited about the cost of the whole thing but am excited to get this all figured out!

I am getting super excited about Sunday! I feel like I'm in high school again, the oh i have a date thing! haha oh well its the first time in a while so I can be a little excited, right? Well the more I have been talking to him the more I like him! It's so easy to talk to him, and we're just getting to know each other, like trying to figure out the favorites and everything. I don't think I have had something like this for a while. Usually its people trying to see how fast they can get with me and its different this time and a lot better too. Did I actually find a good guy? I am hoping so, because I think I could use one of those right about now. Haha.

I also have a little problem one of my friends I know likes me but I do not feel the same about him but I know it would be easy to date because we get along. But I don't want to and I feel bad but I should follow my heart, right? And he is just a best friend not a boyfriend and I don't think it would be fair to him so I am not going to. And right now I am very happy talking to this other guy.

We're playing the question game, to get to know each other better and I want to write down some of the questions so I don't forget because I have a lot:

Favorites: color, food, movie, book, tv show, hobbies

What is your biggest fear?

What do you want to major in?

Do you like sports? If so what teams?

Biggest regret?

Dream for your life?

Favorite thing to do with friends?

Craziest thing you have ever done?

What is one thing you would love to do?

Well, I cannot currently think of anything else...but if you have suggestions just tell me!

Well today was interesting, work is always, well its work. And I feel like the one manager doesn't like me just because I am white. Sorry can't change that one! HA but besides work it was a pretty good day (minus the 3 wasp stings with in like 10min). I know now that I have to go the lawyer because that is the only thing that is going to improve my situation and financing it will be hard but I will do it, I always do. I had fun playing with Bella too she loves her little baby pool its so cute to watch her splash around for hours just having fun =). And I know have a date, a double date on sunday! I hope that goes well, I haven't been on a REAL date in forever, this should be fun. So basically my day has been so much better than it was yesterday and I feel alot stronger as well. Maybe my life is starting to fall together and that is super important right now. i just hope it stays this way because I feel like I can take on the world at this point and win its just so awesome.

What a joke

So I have to be careful what I write now because of this whole thing with custoday and what not, like this is like my journal but no can't be as specific so here fine I will try not to be.

OK so I totally get a text message saying that I am verbally abusive towards my daughter's father, come again? Right me? I forgot its always me he NEVER does anything. And actually the ironic part about this is the day they are talking about ha, was not even my fault. I was out for 45 min just 45 min when I get a call and I was a bit mad and snappy yes. But than he starting yelling at me and it turned into a yelling match so anyways basically I hung up and he called me back every like 30 secs not joke and finally i just kinda chewed him out and when i got to his house to pick up Bella he wanted to talk and i kept saying no no alyssa is here and in the car when Bella was there he was trying to do it again but i said no. but no his mother thinks it was just me bitching at him but it wasnt thats a lie! she god doesnt know that pisses me off to no end and now im just mad and a lawyer is gonna cost like 800 and i dont have that type of money but i have to do it.......

god i am so mad about this whole thing!!!!!

Its been a while

So first off I am a horrible blogger. I thought I would be on here like everyday but than I went to the beach and I just haven't really been on my laptop much until now and I feel like I should blog.

So on my birthday last weekend, Alyssa and I went out. We were going to go to a club but decided not to so instead we went to this little wings place (because I wanted to run into my x and make him jealous) yes I can be a bitch I know, but he never showed up. So we were way overdressed at this little place like what the hell do we do now. Than these guys starting talking to us, so we went to a party with them and drank, well I did at least. So basically Alyssa's upset that we were drinking and that one of them wanted me, but he was drunk but I think Im going to give him a shot. I feel bad because I know she's worried about it but I don't think he's normally like that and its different this time. Or maybe I am just trying to make myself think that because I hate this two week dating shit. Because that's all I ever get, so I have no idea what to do. And this other guy likes me to but I don't think I could ever have anything more than friendship with him and I'm not sure how in the world to tell him that.

So like if that's not confusing enough, which it is TRUST me, I also think I would like to join the military. And that has me thinking do I want to start something right now then? Like right before I ship off, I know I would be here for a while but wouldn't that make it harder? Than theres the fact I am dying to get out on my own, and be independent. Of course I would love to get married and have a nice little family too. So what dream do I chase or all of them? How do I know what's the right choice for me, for my little Bella? Am I self-fish for wanting to go into the military, I know it would be hard on her at first but finally I could give her want she wants and needs. What she deserves, because she deserves the world, and her half ass dad ain't gonna give it to her so I need to.

So many things to think about and choose from, and there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind. Am I good enough? Am I doing enough? I hope so but I'm not always sure. Some times I wonder if I spend too much time on me and not enough time on Bella. I don't want to do that, her dads a jack ass and I don't want her to think I am just as bad. I try so hard I just don't know if its good enough. Will it ever be good enough? I just hope she grows up and remembers that no matter what I love her and I tried my damn best to raise her at 20 by myself.

Wow. Great.

So when I was at work today I get a text, not even a call, from my daughter's father's mother, so her grandmother, asking if I could find a sitter for one day a week. Doesn't sound like a big deal right? Until you look at the fact her son, Bella's dad only has her three times a week and that while I am at work. So where does she expect me to find a sitter? Because I really have so much money and resources available to me? Shouldn't they find a sitter, no of course not this is my problem. I am at my last nerve with them, ha I gave up everything to raise this beautiful little girl and my life is on hold. Do you think I don't want to go out on weekends and stay out some nights? Of course I do but I don't or not often. I never really ask them to do anything all I wanted was a steady day care so I can work my sucky ass job to get money for my little girl. But no I can't have that can I? I didn't go after child support, he doesn't keep her over night, and I don't just disappear and leave for weeks or days at a time. I just am at a loss I have no idea what to do. I called my mom basically crying because I was so upset. What do i do? This is just wrong. I could so fuck them over in court but I haven't but maybe I should. This hurts so bad and I am slowly falling apart but I have to be strong for my little angel.

And on top of that I have recently started dating a girl and I know that people are going to think I am dumb and be like what the hell? That's going to hurt to and I have no idea how to start telling people because I know that alot of people already think I am not a good mother, though everything I do is for my daughter. I don't understand why people can't just accept things and move on. I hate the way people judge and the looks you receive if you are "different". But its like you cannot control your feelings at all. Love is not right or wrong, just true. How do you look down upon someone because they have a different preference than you? Why are people so scared of the abnormal, who cares its your character that counts right? These next few weeks are going to be so hard with everything that is going on. For once I just wish I had a break.

First Blog.

So over the weekend, I went paintballing for the first time and it was fantastic. I thoroughly enjoyed myself as I thought I would and I am ready to play again. I am not scared of playing or running straight into the action. I was a little weary at first about shooting people but when people are shooting at you, you don't feel as bad, ha. After we were done paintballing we went up to the house and had some pizza. YUM.

Then we decided to go four-wheeling with the ATV's, well that was just about the funniest thing EVER! I had so much fun, and I felt like I had so much power just riding through the woods. It was awesome, I got a lot better by the end of the day. The first ride or two was a little rough, haha. At least I didn't flip it or run into the first tree, it was the sixth ok?