Its been a while

So first off I am a horrible blogger. I thought I would be on here like everyday but than I went to the beach and I just haven't really been on my laptop much until now and I feel like I should blog.

So on my birthday last weekend, Alyssa and I went out. We were going to go to a club but decided not to so instead we went to this little wings place (because I wanted to run into my x and make him jealous) yes I can be a bitch I know, but he never showed up. So we were way overdressed at this little place like what the hell do we do now. Than these guys starting talking to us, so we went to a party with them and drank, well I did at least. So basically Alyssa's upset that we were drinking and that one of them wanted me, but he was drunk but I think Im going to give him a shot. I feel bad because I know she's worried about it but I don't think he's normally like that and its different this time. Or maybe I am just trying to make myself think that because I hate this two week dating shit. Because that's all I ever get, so I have no idea what to do. And this other guy likes me to but I don't think I could ever have anything more than friendship with him and I'm not sure how in the world to tell him that.

So like if that's not confusing enough, which it is TRUST me, I also think I would like to join the military. And that has me thinking do I want to start something right now then? Like right before I ship off, I know I would be here for a while but wouldn't that make it harder? Than theres the fact I am dying to get out on my own, and be independent. Of course I would love to get married and have a nice little family too. So what dream do I chase or all of them? How do I know what's the right choice for me, for my little Bella? Am I self-fish for wanting to go into the military, I know it would be hard on her at first but finally I could give her want she wants and needs. What she deserves, because she deserves the world, and her half ass dad ain't gonna give it to her so I need to.

So many things to think about and choose from, and there's always that lingering thought in the back of my mind. Am I good enough? Am I doing enough? I hope so but I'm not always sure. Some times I wonder if I spend too much time on me and not enough time on Bella. I don't want to do that, her dads a jack ass and I don't want her to think I am just as bad. I try so hard I just don't know if its good enough. Will it ever be good enough? I just hope she grows up and remembers that no matter what I love her and I tried my damn best to raise her at 20 by myself.